We naive, or sore. Calling it quits

We got divorced when Zephyr is turning 3.

No one gets married to go through a divorce. Even trying everything, we were just incompatible. There were more tears than smiles, more sad days than happy ones.

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We were fighting every single day, yet we tried to fix it for 3 years but each time we try, it cracks our marriage a little bit more. My ex-husband, Samuel, grew up differently from me. A little too weird that we find each other’s family weird. We don’t see eye to eye on plenty of things…

It sparked a little too much arguments, plenty was swept under the rug, waiting for a disaster to happen, then alas shit really hit the fan. 2017 was really a tough year for 3 of us. Zephyr was caught in between the crossfire almost daily. It was so upsetting. It really took a toll on all of us. Then I asked for a divorce, at first Samuel told me to reconsider, for the sake of our son.

Which I replied, “It’s for the sake of our son and for the sake of us therefore I want a divorce.” At that point in time, I knew that we needed to divorce to save the friendship. If we don’t get a divorce, things will get worst and we might have a bitter ending. Strange isn’t it? One might think I am being naive, or sore.

Calling it quits even though we are only 3 years into the marriage. We tried to fix whatever was broken for 3 years, it was not getting better, yet it got worst. I had to do something, and divorce was the way. Growing up seeing my mom & dad being so bitter, they did not get a divorce but they lived their lives separately. I knew they had the best interests at heart for us, but growing up watching them argue, their black faces, always talking shit about each other (especially my mom), endless cold wars and “tell your father/mother.

..” it caused more problems than growing up in a ‘broken home’. But the thing is, to me there was nothing broken about divorce and co-parenting even after our marriage ended. Samuel was my best friend before we got married, we got married due to an unplanned baby, nevertheless, we were madly in love with each other even though our family backgrounds were so different, even though we had so many flaws, we did love each other previously, now we honestly cared for each other well-being but in love? No, we are not, not anymore.

 Weirdly, after filing for a divorce, it felt like a weight on our shoulders have been lifted, we knew we can stop trying to work out as husband and wife and focus solely on being good parents, be good dad and mom to our son. Parents who stay together for the sake of their children are making a mistake. I do not want to make the same mistakes my parents did, living their whole life being so unhappy with each other, fights whenever they meet.

Can I say I have a completed & happy family just because my parents didn’t get a divorce? I can’t. And growing up in a toxic environment, really affected both me & my younger sister. We felt like it was our fault for them being this way & they never bothered to explain to us. I talked to my mom when I wanted a divorce & she suggested I should just stay separated like how she & my dad. I can’t help to blurt out that ‘that is the stupidest advice ever.’ Haha! To me, splitting up is not the problem; it’s how you do it. Now, as I am writing this article, I want to people and society to realize that divorce isn’t a tragedy, a tragedy is staying in an unhappy marriage and living your whole life unhappy.

Staying together with the kids will not do them or anyone any favors when they have to live in a house filled with negative energy and lack of love.  Many couples, like my parents, they feel pressured to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of their children. They remain in a marriage that isn’t working thinking that their children need them to stay together to have a ‘complete family’. But actually, it will end up having a negative impact on everyone, especially the kids. On so many days we had to take one parent’s side over the other, it was terrible. It caused me so much of anxiety. Children are not stupid.

Your kids are not stupid. Even if you try to hide your marriage issues, they can feel and notice the difference in the way you both look at each other or how you both interact. Children will notice before you think they do. Staying together for the kids may seem admirable, but sorry especially to my mom and dad, it’s the most ridiculous advise to give me. Don’t teach me how to be okay with living my life miserably & showing Zephyr it’s okay to live like this.

Instead, I am trying to show him, and everyone else that staying together for the kids is always the worst mistake people make. You’re only going hurt them more by staying in a marriage you don’t want to be in. It might be tough for a little bit, split up right, your future self and your children will thank you for it later.

Someday your kids will understand, and they may be thankful for the healthy example you show them. I have to still thank my parents for doing the wrong way, so I know I will not repeat their mistake. So don’t make the same mistake they did. Both of you & your children deserve to be happy.

Divorce doesn’t have to have a long-term negative effect on children if you just do it right. I got my best friend back after the divorce. If you can see that your job as a co-parent is not ending just because your marriage is, you are half-way to a successful & happy divorce.


I'm Casey!

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